I am Stinne – I am Autismwhisper

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I was born in Thisted in 1974 and raised in a small village hamlet in Thy. Since I have lived in both Aarhus, Odense and Copenhagen and now lives in Nivå at 7 years.

I have a wonderful and loving son. He is autistic and diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Having him in my life is a source of constant inspirations, revelations, joy and development.

My most basic education has been the development, I have gone through since he was diagnosed. I got my diagnosis in 2008 – Asperger’s syndrome, ADHD and OCD. It was like coming home. I knew when I read about autism, that it was my world. I was never really in doubt, but it was important for me to get it recognized. From the day I was diagnosed, began many pieces to fall into place. I got new options, and most importantly, I was again myself for too many years, where I hung and floated in solitary altitudes. Things began to be right instead of always being wrong. I got a language. A voice. An existence.

The realizations have done that I have taken care of my life in a different way, because I now know the conditions of my life and identity in such detail that I can act appropriately and take reasonable choice for me and my son. Autism and resulting suffering is a basic condition in my life and something I am going to educate myself in for the rest of my life.

My eductional background is an masters degree in communication and cultural studies from the University of Roskilde combined with an education in Spanish from the University of Odense. Before that I attented an eight week course at the European Film College in Ebeltoft. My choice of education is closely linked to my special interests which are, besides the world of film, communication and cultur in various details and aspects.

I love to immerse myself in reflections on different world views, different cultures – and all the communicative and cognitive misunderstandings and differences that come with it. For it has always been a mystery to me – the communication between people. Why do people behave as they do? Why speak the way they do? Why do they always pass each other? I can see why I needed to attack the theory – what I never understood intuitively. What is it that happens between people when they can not understand each other? How is it that it goes wrong?

Like my autistic soul girlfriends on this page, I’ve always known I was different – and not just different, but fundamentally different. I just have not had words and concepts to relate to it. It has been a feeling of being on an alien planet. As if I have been handed a spaceship from a distant galaxy. That I’m autistic was never labeled by anyone other than me. Never seen. Never disseminated. My difficulty was very pronounced in the age of 10, where my OCD started.

For a long time as a child, I imagined that I was a boy. It occurred to me more naturally, and I wanted to be a boy when the world I experienced when I played with the boys was more straightforward, and I fell more into there. Until I was about 10 years old, I played mostly with boys. Climbed in trees etc and was more wild things. I wanted so badly to be a boy when I thought that the world would better see and understand me. But as the boys began to think it was uninteresting with girls and did not want to have me in the games anymore, so I was left to the girls together. And I came quickly to the card because of all the social codes, implied rules and intrigue. Adolescence was therefore a hell. Adult life until I got my diagnosis was confusing, rootless and exhausting. I experienced constant defeat and could not find answers to why things always went wrong.

I have for many years been extremely good to compensate for my difficulties and has in many ways done well. Therefore I also perceived as functioning of my surroundings. I have always had an extremely strong inner drive – a desire to constantly develop me become stronger and get new pieces to the puzzle. I was in many ways like a bumble bee, not knowing that it could not fly. I would so much – and much more than I actually could. How is it still. Now the difference is just that I know what I’m up against.

The high compensation ability is a gift, since it has given and still gives me many opportunities to continually develop myself and become stronger. At the same time, it is often also the biggest dilemma when others can not see how much energy I use to compensate. It is invisible, and therefore costs the extreme effort to communicate my inner world to the surroundings.

I have long dreamed of using my professional and communication skills in communicating about autism, which I have searched my recent positions. Job- related issues, I have had various communications jobs and, mainly, specialize in web media. It is also an interest, I like to spend their leisure time – including on my blog www.neuroland.dk.

Like many other high-functioning autistics, I overcompensated for my difficulties so long that my level of functioning over the years has been significantly weakened. It has had a very high price. I have been very unsure of what my future brings professionally. Right now ended in a stunning and spacious workplace where I deal professionally with autism. This in turn has given me the belief that I still have a lot of cause of and that there is someone who still need just that I can.

For me it is to be autistic a fundamentally different way of being human. For better or worse – and it’s no different than any other human being. That we are who we are, with the strengths and weaknesses, it brings with it. But it is important to understand that there is a fundamental difference between the neuro typical development and autistic development and thus on identity formation throughout life.

Being autistic does a different perception, different thinking style different being in the world through every aspect of our existence. It affects everything we say and do the things we feel, think and feel. It does not mean that we are wrong or worth less. But in a world where only 1% of us has this way of experiencing the world, then and is autism a disability. To trivialize and pretend it is not there, does not help us. A life as autistic IS and will always be difficult as long as most people experience the world fundamentally different from us and speaks a language we often find it difficult to understand and need help to get translated.

I often need to share my thoughts and experiences on how I experience my inner world. And when I share it with open listening, open-minded and curious and really trying to understand, it is life-giving. So it’s like being breathed new life into me. Other times I really regretted to share my inner life, as will the reactions in the form of comments that just reinforces my sense of otherness. I know the comments are said in the best sense – to make me feel better or make me feel that I am not alone. Comments from that, “As we are all autistic” and “how I feel also” and “I think we did not know there was anything abnormal about you since you were a kid. You worked so well” – or “it does not be autistic to experience. ” The reactions got me in the past to feel wrong and useless. For if they were right, it was the (again) me, there is something wrong with. I no longer feel wrong, because now I know how things work. But the reactions makes me still feel lonely.

After I met my 2 amazing autistic girl friends Anja and Pernille who really understand all the details and the depth of my inner world, then there emerged a love of myself as a person I have never experienced before. With them I never difficult, never useless, never wrong, never abandoned. With the love and support I now see around me in my closest relationships, I experience finally to be connected in a community where I will be seen and understood exactly as I am. I struggle no longer against myself, but with myself because I finally have come home to myself and feel like a real person, and not wearing one that is trying to be.

I am Stinne. I am autistic